On Saturday, Apr. 1, an anonymous whistleblower revealed to former Uproar Editor-in-Chief and current court jester Jessica DeMarco-Jacobson that CSU will introduce a non-fungible token to fund an upcoming on-campus cougar enclosure. 

   This news comes over a decade after a certain former CSU President attempted to fund a live cougar cage for the main campus.

   “I don’t know what on God’s green earth an NFT is, but I think it’d be pretty cool if we had a live cougar on campus instead of some dude in a costume,” said Bradford “Chad” Kyle Jimothy IV, president of CSU’s Feta Chai fraternity chapter.

   The whistleblower revealed that the live cougar cage is planned to be set near the Athletic Department. The cage will be gilded with gold from Dahlonega, home of the 1828 Georgia Gold Rush.

   “They should put the cougar near the freshmen dorms,” said Jimothy, responding to the planned location of the cougar cage. “I’m tired of them stinking up the residence hall.”

   “Or even better, they could put the cougar inside the Davidson to eat up those students who are always playing League of Legends and talking about anime,” continued Jimothy. “They smell worse than the freshmen.” 

   “This is going to be a nightmare,” said Dr. Esperto di Puma, an Italian visiting professor in the Department of Biology. 

   Di Puma is a leading expert on cougar zoology, and he specializes in wildlife in the American rural south and Friuli-Venezia-Giulia. Di Puma explained that placing a cougar in a cage instead of a habitat is a recipe for disaster.

   “I love cougars so much that I literally changed my name to reflect it,” di Puma continued. “I am honored to have been chosen for this competitive visiting professorship, but I must speak up and say that this is an injustice.”

   Di Puma said, “Just look at what happened with the tigers in Harris County the other day. That cougar is going to become restless, and when it has the chance, it will escape and cause potential harm to not only the students, faculty, and staff, but also the local Columbus community.”

   The cougar cage will cost approximately $2.5 million to construct. Most of the cost comes from the need for Dahlonega gold, according to the whistleblower.

   “I cannot believe they are spending that amount of money on a live cougar cage,” said di Puma. “I know adjuncts that get paid in expired Burger King coupons and professors who’ve died waiting for tenure. I support enriching student life on campus, but I can’t help but wonder if there was something else they have thought of.”

   Several faculty have threatened to quit over the issue, including di Puma.

   “I miss the food in Italy anyway. The pizza here sucks, mozzarella costs like $10, and I can’t find real parmigiano reggiano anywhere,” said di Puma. “This was just the drop that made the vase overflow, as we say in Italy. Maybe it’s time for me to return to the mother country.” 

   The NFT portrays former Columbus Mayor Teresa Tomlimson, Cody the Cougar, and Columbus-born author Carson McCullers riding on top of a scrambledog along the Chattahoochee River. The scrambledog is a famous hotdog dish with chili, oyster crackers, and a mishmash of other toppings. It was supposedly invented in Columbus.  

   The NFT also includes images of the Hans Muhr water sculpture, most commonly known by locals as “Viagra Falls” or the “Phallic Fountain” due to its suggestive appearance. 

   The background of the NFT features AFLAC’s midtown tower—the tallest building in the city—along with the Whittlesey Blvd street sign, the downtown textile mills, the sun with a photograph of former CSU President Chris Markwood on it, and other images that “give off the essence of Columbus,” in the words of the designer. 

   The NFT will be available for purchase at CSU bookstores beginning tonight at midnight, but the university will only accept Cougar Cash as payment.