Students, faculty, and all associates of Columbus State University—to all lovers of the clocktower and Cougars of Clearview; to the Intelligentsia of Illges and the Academics of Arnold; to those who reside by Riverpark and those of The Underpaid Uproar:

Greetings! I, Joshua, Called by Cody to preach the good news of Big Brain Logic, foretold by the Cougars in your area, implore all to support Cody in his desire to get a BBL.

But first, let me tell you my story…

Like many of you, I did not think much on the details of the Cody the Cougar costume. I assumed it was fine and lived my life like a normal person.

But one day, while walking to Shannon Hall, I saw a blinding light over the clocktower, and in that light I saw him—our glorious BBL Cody. 

“Josh,” he beckoned. “Josh…”

“Who are you?” I asked.

“I am BBL Cody,” he replied. “Now watch me throw it back!”

And I saw in that light over the clock tower the most splendid twerking that I ever saw. 

Then I realized that we must petition CSU to add a BBL to the Cody costume.

Let me tell you a secret, my Big Back Buddies—for you will endure prosecution and name calling. You will be called weird, down bad, and many other things…

But despite this, know that BBL Cody will save academia, and by saving academia, he will save the world…

I would remind you of that prophecy spoken long ago: “My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun.”

We know that snakes in the ancient world often symbolized knowledge. Thus, in the fullness of time, the knowledge produced by academia shall seek out Cody’s BBL and only Cody’s BBL. 

For what person considering college will apply to anywhere but CSU, home of BBL Cody? And with students no longer applying to any other universities, CSU will be the only site for higher education in the entire world.

When that happens, all other universities will be converted to auxiliary campuses. There will be no Harvard or UGA, no Berkely or Cambridge—for all of higher education will be one by the power BBL Cody.

“What is knowledge?” You may ask. I’ll tell you: knowledge is a BBL. For it does not hide itself but yearns to be seen by those who are willing to look. Knowledge is not hard but soft and gentle and everlasting in its ripeness. And in its absence, we behold a flatness that renders life all too stale, for how can we look forward when we do not see behind? 

So, how do we ensure our beloved Cody receives his BBL? Go to the higher ups of CSU, scream ‘BBL Cody’ in the midst of your classes, abstain from twerking until Cody can properly twerk…

Eventually, all will see the need for BBL Cody, and a portion of CSU’s budget will be allocated so that we may send Cody to the cheapest BBL doctor that can be found overseas. 

And when we finally see Cody cheer on all cougars with his curvy caboose; when we see the CSU pitcher throw the baseball while Cody throws it back; when we see how his boisterous backside can boldly bring us hope…

What shall be our reaction but pure, unmatchable awe?